Retiring from work?
Then it might be time to think about raising a family. Some brave older adults
are turning the idea of retirement on its head by choosing to adopt children —
this when many of their peers are traveling, socializing, taking up
intellectual or entrepreneurial pursuits, or just plain relaxing.
Some of these older
parents are empty-nesters who apparently didn’t have their fill of
child-rearing the first time around. Others are grandparents or older blood
relatives of parents unable to care for their own children. Still others never
had children, and finally have the time, desire and means to give it a go. In
most cases, the children are older and have special needs; it is rare for an
older adult to adopt an infant, according to national adoption groups.
No organization or federal agency keeps statistics on the
ages of adoptive parents, so it is hard to estimate their numbers. But
executives at several adoption-related organizations said they had definitely
seen heightened interest among older adults. An informational Web site set up
by Adoptive Families magazine has a special discussion forum for older adults
with more than 500 members.
Chuck Johnson, president and chief executive of the
National Council for Adoption, an advocacy group, said that over the last 20
years, age barriers formerly set by adoption groups had steadily fallen, so
more and more older adults now qualified to become parents. With life spans
lengthening and baby boomers remaining healthier longer, the time appears ripe
for this kind of parenting.
As more singles and gay people, too, adopt children, it’s
clear that the definition of what constitutes a suitable adoptive family is
expanding. This reflects a recognition that “children do far better in families
than in institutional or temporary care,” said Adam Pertman, executive director
of the Donaldson Adoption Institute, a nonprofit research group, and author of
“Adoption Nation.”
“These are competent, vetted people,” he added. Potential
parents must go through a rigorous background check and participate in a home
study process where a case worker observes the family before final approval
occurs. The need for competent adoptive parents is great. In 2011, a little
more than 50,000 children in the United States were adopted with the involvement
of child-welfare public agencies, with around 104,000 waiting to be adopted,
according to federal data. More than half of those waiting for adoption, were
over the age of 6.
Because most older adults are approved to adopt older
children, the age gap between parent and child need not be all that extreme.
Older adults are adopting young adults too, Mr. Pertman said. “People can adopt
21-year-olds,” he said. “They want families, too. They want a place to go for
Christmas.”
When adults adopt older children it’s important to
remember that “most of these kids have special needs at some level,” Mr.
Pertman said. “They were placed into foster care for some reason. You don’t
suffer abuse or neglect without some repercussions.”
This can raise questions about whether an older adult is
strong enough to handle some of the behavioral problems, including
aggressiveness, that a special-needs child may exhibit. Older adoptive parents
“must demonstrate that they have both the physical and mental acumen to meet
the challenges of raising children in the same way that all families have their
full circumstances considered,” Mr. Johnson said.
Some older adults decide to take the international route,
even though foreign adoptions have declined as rules have become stricter. But
when it comes to adopting abroad, “there’s an exception to every rule,” said
Martha Osborne, founder of Rainbow Kids, an adoption advocacy group. Adopting a
newborn is going to be nearly impossible, but the rules can be stretched for
older children, she said. China, Bulgaria and Ukraine are among the more
flexible countries, she added.
“There’s a lot more opportunity for older parents today
than in the past,” said Chuck Johnson, president of the Alexandria,
Virginia-based National Council for Adoption, who started working in the field
28 years ago at an adoption agency that capped adoptive parents at age 40.
The change reflects more openness by adoption agencies in
general, Johnson said, that also extends to single parents and same-sex
couples. And it reflects a couple of reigning principles in adoption and
child-welfare circles: First, every child – including foster children once
deemed “unadoptable” – deserves a permanent, loving home. Second: Children
whose parents can’t raise them should be raised instead by other biological relatives,
if possible, including grandparents or great-aunts and -uncles.
The change also reflects lifestyle factors leading many
families – adoptive or otherwise – to put off parenthood, said Gloria Hochman,
communications director at the National Adoption Center, based in Philadelphia.
People are marrying later and women are staying in the
work force longer before thinking about kids, she said. When they have trouble
having children naturally, they turn to adoption.
But, as Johnson from the National Council for Adoption
said, no one’s saying age doesn’t matter. In June, the council published an
article about the causes of “broken adoptions” handled by Family Court in New
York City. A six-month study found the vast majority resulted from the parent’s
death (53 percent) or infirmity (22 percent). The article called some of the
parents’ ages “startling”: A 66-year-old had adopted a 4-year-old; a 67-year-old
had adopted an infant.
“Life expectancy is an issue,” Johnson said. “And you’re
talking about children who have already suffered some loss already through the
separation with their biological families. If they’re adopted by someone who
might not survive the full childhood, it’s just another traumatic experience.”
Prospective parents’ overall health is always part of the
discussion at Spokane Consultants in Family Living, adoption coordinator
Maureen Reilly said. Birth mothers want adoptive parents likely to be around
until their kids are adults. And “it’s tiring,” Reilly said. “It’s physically
tiring to parent, to chase a 2-year-old around.”
In terms of age, the state of Washington only requires
adoptive parents to be 18 or older. But private agencies like Reilly’s can set
their own requirements. Spokane Consultants’ website says it requires parents
to be 28 to 45. If they’re older, Reilly said, she’s willing to talk – though
“I scratch my head, in all honesty … I don’t think I would start parenting in my
50s.”
“If they’ve been married a long time and really hadn’t
thought about having children,” she said, “we really get down to why – what
makes you really motivated and committed to parenting at this late stage in
your life? We always look big-picture.”
Experienced parents looking to add to their family –
maybe on second marriages – can be good for a toddler or older child who’s been
bounced around among temporary caregivers, she said. They can provide the hours
of rocking, holding and maybe bottle-feeding that a young child who missed out
on those things’ needs, she said.
In fact, age and experience can give some adoptive
parents a leg up, regardless of their children’s histories.
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