Thursday, January 24, 2013

Retired Hooligan at Tesco

Dear Mrs. Marsh,

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Joseph Marsh has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning your entire family from shopping in any of our stores nationwide.

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We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our workers are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Marsh have been compiled and are listed below:

Memo: Re - Mr. Joseph Marsh

Complaints - Things Mr. Joseph Marsh has done while his wife was shopping in our store:

  1. June 22: Took 18 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolley's when they weren't looking.
  2. July 4: Set all the alarm clocks in household department to go off at 5 minute intervals.
  3. July 9: Made a trail of tomato ketchup on the floor leading to the toilets.
  4. July 21: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 5" in fruit and veg..... and then watched what happened.
  5. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
  6. September 17: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in for a cup of tea if they would bring pillows from the bedding department.
  7. September 29: When a store assistant asked if he can help, Mr. Marsh burst in tears and demanded loudly, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
  8. October 31: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose in a disgusting fashion.
  9. December 2: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme tune.
  10. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "Pick me! Pick me!"
  11. December 23: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed, "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
  12. And; last, but not least! December 24: Went into a fitting room in the clothing department, shut the door and waited awhile; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

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