There is no official confirmation on the facts, but there is
still a god chance that the following story is a true one. The confidential
document has leaked to Internet, most likely through one of the WikiLeaks
channels. This job application was submitted by an elderly retired gentleman
aged 74, to a national DIY retailer in Ipswich, Suffolk, UK. Word is that
they have employed him. I would personally hire the guy for his fresh insight,
non-traditional approach, and honesty.
The document is published as is, but the name of the
applicant has been changed to protect the guy’s identity. I hope you do not
mind. If you are a hiring manager, and would like to have this guy on board, do
not bother, as he has been already hired.
NAME:
Brian Walker.
DESIRED POSITION:
Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But
seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't
be applying in the first place - would I?
DESIRED SALARY:
£150,000 [$295,000 USD] a year plus share options and a Tony
Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we
can haggle.
EDUCATION:
Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.
PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate
environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT
YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you
have a car that runs?'
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare
Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish
supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd
like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE:
....7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE
BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes, absolutely.
