Sunday, November 6, 2011

Brian Walker Job Application


There is no official confirmation on the facts, but there is still a god chance that the following story is a true one. The confidential document has leaked to Internet, most likely through one of the WikiLeaks channels. This job application was submitted by an elderly retired gentleman aged 74, to a national DIY retailer in Ipswich, Suffolk, UK.  Word is that they have employed him. I would personally hire the guy for his fresh insight, non-traditional approach, and honesty.

The document is published as is, but the name of the applicant has been changed to protect the guy’s identity. I hope you do not mind. If you are a hiring manager, and would like to have this guy on board, do not bother, as he has been already hired.

NAME: 
Brian Walker.

DESIRED POSITION: 
Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

DESIRED SALARY: 
£150,000 [$295,000 USD] a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: 
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: 
Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: 
A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: 
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: 
It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: 
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 
1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: 
I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: 
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE: 
....7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes, absolutely.

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